The Ugly Stick

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I honestly thought that I would never blog again. I figured this is it. There is nothing interesting left in my life to blog about. And I thought that I’d retire this blog once and for all. Maybe after this post, I’d never blog again. Maybe not. But nonetheless, I will update this blog at least one more time.

Just moments ago, a powerpoint slide I’ve been working on just got reverted back to me. And it is now…. HIDEOUS. Absolutely hideous. It’s like someone took an ugly stick and beat my slides to death with it. Do you know what an ugly stick is? Perhaps you’ve never heard of the legend of the Ugly Stick. Let me tell you of the tale.

It is said that all of God’s children are beautiful. It matters not which God you pray to, all of you are SUPPOSED to be beautiful. And yet we look around and we cannot escape the undeniable truth. We see ugly people. For no matter which God you pray to, we are all at the mercy of one demon. There is no name for this demon for he cannot be named or rather, his name is unspeakable. As unspeakable as the crimes he inflicts upon us. What crimes you ask? It is all around us! It might be the coffee shop aunty with the rotten teeth or the colleague with the greasy hair and tarmac face. It might even be what you witness in the mirror every morning.

This demon of which I speak wields the deadly weapon, the Ugly Stick.

The Ugly Stick (Epic)
Damage: 0-1
Effect: Upon hit, target becomes 75% more ugly. Effect stacks.

The Ugly Stick deals literally no damage rendering the weapon incapable of killing anyone. For it is a much greater torment for the victim to live a life of hideousness. And so… the demon roams the Nether Planes (an alternate dimension), phasing into our reality and BEATS babies in their mother’s womb with the Ugly Stick FOREVER cursing them to a life where people “feel that perhaps they should just be friends” with you. After the damage is done, the demon escapes back into the Nether Planes before he resurfaces to strike another victim. And that my friends, is the truth behind all ugly people.

Yet somehow today, my colleague must have found this weapon. For looking what that person has done to my slides, I can only surmise that this person has taken this Ugly Stick and opened up a relentless assault upon my slides. Nothing else in the known Universe can produce something so horrible.

It amazes me what people can put into slides and think, “Okay I think this looks good.” What confounds me more is that this person can do what they did to my slides, and feel that yes, this is an improvement. I’m not saying that my slides cannot be improved upon but what was done to my slides can only be described as: beaten half to death with an ugly stick.

ADDENDUM
Some people are complaining that the lack of screenshots make this post a tad lacking. Here's the reason why there aren't any screenshots.
1) I'm at work
2) Sometimes pictures aren't worth a thousand words. This is one such case. Basically, the slides themselves look fine. Its the ANIMATIONS that are hideous. And so, looking at the screenshots actually give you no hint of the horrors within it. Its like a Supermodel with terrible body odour. You can't tell just by looking at the picture.



Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {3:34 pm}


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Vincent Fu
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