Insecticon Woes

Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Wave after wave of terrible agony cripple me and I nearly black out from the pain. With the very last vestiges of my strength, I attempt to type out my story - a tale of unnatural suffering and crushing misery. Weep not for me as you read about my tragic life though know that as I write this, white hot pain sears through my leg from my freshest of wounds.

No more than 60 mins ago, I stepped into the shower to wash off the dirt and grime of a long day. After taking off my red funky spectacles - the source of my power, I begin to shampoo my hair. Amidst the 'repeat' segment of 'lather, rinse, repeat' I felt a stinging pain at my ankle. I looked downwards and was surprised to see a dark line. Thinking that I must have cut myself I put on my glasses... to realise there's a centipede on my leg! WTF????!?!??! Before I had time to think the centipede began its ascent up my leg. Fearing that it wanted to caress my creamy white thighs I kicked it off in a panicked frenzy. Now my ankle pain pain. Sniff*

Thus ends the tale of centipede naval assault. Seriously, I have these weird encounters with insects. Who the hell gets attacked by centipedes in their shower?? Four more tales I have for you. (This is all in reverse chronological order by the way)

Wasp Ambush
This happened when I was in BMT. We were all in the training shed doing our warm-up exercises. The sergeant called out: "Hands on your hips..." Doing what any dutiful recruit would do, I began to put my hands on my hips and was prepared to commence my head rotations exercises. Little did I know that there was a wasp laying in ambush on the surface of my shorts right in between my hand and my hip. The ambush sprang and the wasp drilled itself into my left palm with a savagery that makes grown men turn white of face. Who the hell gets wasp stings from doing warm-ups?

Mosquito Aerial Dogfight
This occured in when I was in Secondary School. I was walking towards the busstop on my way to school. Little did I know someone or something else was on the same path, only it was traveling in the opposite direction. If it was human we would have collided and have moved on with the rest of our day. But because the mosquito was so small... it flew into my nose... just as I was taking a particularly deep breath. My head snapped backwards from the shock and as I exhaled sharply trying to expel the foreign object from my nose, blood started flowing freely. By the time I ran to the nearby MRT toilet, blood stained my entire shirt. Pretty sure the mosquito died. Who the hell gets mosquitoes kamikaze dive bombs into their nose??

Bee Suicide Bombing
This also occured when I was in Secondary School. I had decided to skip school and I gave a stupid excuse as to why I was sick. As I was enjoying my extended sleep, I felt an itch on my throat. Turns out a bee was crawling across my neck. In my state of slumber, I simply slapped down on my neck where it itched. So the bee gave me a good sting on the neck for my efforts. I think this was instant karma for skipping school. Still, who the hell gets bee stings from sleeping??

Ant Ground Invasion
This was when I was really young though I still remember it because it was pretty traumatic. It would have passed for any regular day but it was this day that I would discover there was an ant nest in my Mom's room. The thing is the floor in my old house was tiled with parquet and as you know when they tile the floor they also tile a bit of the foot of the wall. So there was this gap in between the parquet and the wall and ants set up shop there. Once again I was asleep but somewhere along the night, I kicked at the nest. Misconscruing my innocent collision as an act of aggression, the ant mobilized and started attacking me. I eventually felt some pain coming from my left leg and when I opened my eyes.. the whole floor and my entire left leg up till my thigh was covered in ants. I was so fucking freaked. I jumped up and down screaming and ran to get the insect spray and I emptied the can onto my leg and the floor and into the nest. Who the hell gets carpetted by ants while they sleep??

Me. SERIOUSLY. Weird Insect shit happens to me man.

Things on my mind:
Pain
Creepy Crawlies
Boobies
Urban Pulse Boobies


Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {12:39 am}


Solving the Mysteries of the Universe!

Thursday, July 05, 2007
Question: Why do I sweat so much?

Answer: To the untrained eye of a commoner, the reason most likely to be assumed is that I am fat (actually I prefer pleasantly chubby). This stereotypical view however, could not be farther from the truth. The truth is that I am a committed individual that puts in 120% effort into everything I do. So even though the task is something simple like walking down the stairs or across the road, I break out into glorious perspiration because of the mental concentration and sheer physical exertion of extreme walking.

Extreme walking, as performed by me, differs from vanilla walking executed by mere commoners in several different ways. First of all, as already mentioned, it requires a constant 120% effort and because most people's maximum potential effort caps out at a meagre 100%, only the most unique individuals can perform extreme walking. This additional effort is means that while you may not neccesarily walk faster, you walk HARDER. Much like the difference between lifting a spoon versus lifting a piano with two fingers. Have you ever tried lifting a piano with two fingers? Now you know how tough extreme walking (as performed by me) really is.

Secondly, apart from placing one foot in front of the other in rapid succession (yes it is as HARD as it sounds), a performer of extreme walking must concurrently perform yet another ardous physical task - the tummy suck-in. This is like holding yourself at half sit-up position... for the whole day.

Because of the sheer physical intensity of the two tasks as well as the tremendous mental strain of coordinating and synchronizing the walking and and tummy suck-in, it is recommended that amateurs do not perform the extreme walk. People have been known to forget to breath during their attempts at the extreme walk (as performed by me).

So the next time you notice that a pleasantly chubby individual looks a tad moist from a short walk, look again, because he may very well be performing... extreme walking.


Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {2:14 pm}


The Real Me
Vincent Fu
aka Jishbac

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