Conspermification

Insecticon Woes

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wave after wave of terrible agony cripple me and I nearly black out from the pain. With the very last vestiges of my strength, I attempt to type out my story - a tale of unnatural suffering and crushing misery. Weep not for me as you read about my tragic life though know that as I write this, white hot pain sears through my leg from my freshest of wounds.

No more than 60 mins ago, I stepped into the shower to wash off the dirt and grime of a long day. After taking off my red funky spectacles - the source of my power, I begin to shampoo my hair. Amidst the 'repeat' segment of 'lather, rinse, repeat' I felt a stinging pain at my ankle. I looked downwards and was surprised to see a dark line. Thinking that I must have cut myself I put on my glasses... to realise there's a centipede on my leg! WTF????!?!??! Before I had time to think the centipede began its ascent up my leg. Fearing that it wanted to caress my creamy white thighs I kicked it off in a panicked frenzy. Now my ankle pain pain. Sniff*

Thus ends the tale of centipede naval assault. Seriously, I have these weird encounters with insects. Who the hell gets attacked by centipedes in their shower?? Four more tales I have for you. (This is all in reverse chronological order by the way)

Wasp Ambush
This happened when I was in BMT. We were all in the training shed doing our warm-up exercises. The sergeant called out: "Hands on your hips..." Doing what any dutiful recruit would do, I began to put my hands on my hips and was prepared to commence my head rotations exercises. Little did I know that there was a wasp laying in ambush on the surface of my shorts right in between my hand and my hip. The ambush sprang and the wasp drilled itself into my left palm with a savagery that makes grown men turn white of face. Who the hell gets wasp stings from doing warm-ups?

Mosquito Aerial Dogfight
This occured in when I was in Secondary School. I was walking towards the busstop on my way to school. Little did I know someone or something else was on the same path, only it was traveling in the opposite direction. If it was human we would have collided and have moved on with the rest of our day. But because the mosquito was so small... it flew into my nose... just as I was taking a particularly deep breath. My head snapped backwards from the shock and as I exhaled sharply trying to expel the foreign object from my nose, blood started flowing freely. By the time I ran to the nearby MRT toilet, blood stained my entire shirt. Pretty sure the mosquito died. Who the hell gets mosquitoes kamikaze dive bombs into their nose??

Bee Suicide Bombing
This also occured when I was in Secondary School. I had decided to skip school and I gave a stupid excuse as to why I was sick. As I was enjoying my extended sleep, I felt an itch on my throat. Turns out a bee was crawling across my neck. In my state of slumber, I simply slapped down on my neck where it itched. So the bee gave me a good sting on the neck for my efforts. I think this was instant karma for skipping school. Still, who the hell gets bee stings from sleeping??

Ant Ground Invasion
This was when I was really young though I still remember it because it was pretty traumatic. It would have passed for any regular day but it was this day that I would discover there was an ant nest in my Mom's room. The thing is the floor in my old house was tiled with parquet and as you know when they tile the floor they also tile a bit of the foot of the wall. So there was this gap in between the parquet and the wall and ants set up shop there. Once again I was asleep but somewhere along the night, I kicked at the nest. Misconscruing my innocent collision as an act of aggression, the ant mobilized and started attacking me. I eventually felt some pain coming from my left leg and when I opened my eyes.. the whole floor and my entire left leg up till my thigh was covered in ants. I was so fucking freaked. I jumped up and down screaming and ran to get the insect spray and I emptied the can onto my leg and the floor and into the nest. Who the hell gets carpetted by ants while they sleep??

Me. SERIOUSLY. Weird Insect shit happens to me man.

Things on my mind:
Pain
Creepy Crawlies
Boobies
Urban Pulse Boobies

Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {12:39 am}