When the cat is away…

Friday, January 22, 2010

Jiazi’s family is away on holiday and since the whole family will be away, the home is essentially empty and there is apparently some cause for concern. As such, I’ve been instructed to “pop by once in a while.” I assume they’re worried that their maid will go berserk and invite her friends over for a “Domestic Worker Lesbian Spank Inferno” or a “Bangladeshi Orgy Mayhem Night.” They’re probably worried about the resultant mess and lingering smell. And so I agreed to drop in randomly to conduct spot checks.

Somehow or another, they decided that that arrangement was too risky and so they’ve decided to deposit the maid at a relative’s place and the job to keep the plants watered fell upon me. Specific instructions are as follows:

There are 2 groups of plants, one has to be watered every 2 days and the other, every 3.

Working out the math, that means that I’ll need to “pop by once in a while” on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. A total of 4 days for the 7 days that they’ll be gone… that’s more than half the days they’ll be gone. I wonder what frequently means for them. Then yesterday before they left, they told me that they’d prefer it if I stayed over “once in a while” too. Hmmmmmm… alrighty. (It’s not that I mind btw, it’s just amusing.)

And so last night they left a flurry of last minute instructions on how to care for the house. And it would seem almost as if.. they truly believed that when the plane takes off from Changi Airport.. they take along with them my common sense. They have left with me instructions like.. “remember to lock the door when you leave”, “don’t leave the lights/heater/cooker on when you leave” and “ wash up the dishes and dispose of the trash.” I mean seriously. I DO actually know these. MOST families in Singapore lock the doors when they leave their homes.

BUT the WORST thing is.. BECAUSE of ALL their warnings.. I’m sitting in the office now.. and I’m honestly worried. I’m totally mindfucking myself at my office desk. I’m wondering if I did lock up everything. I’m trying to remember if I switched off the correct lights. I’m second guessing whether or not everything is where its supposed to be. I’m over thinking things that are rightfully second nature. It’s like reminding yourself not to forget to breathe.

When the cat is away, the mouse becomes a fucking retard.

Things on mind:
Are the doors locked?
Is the gate closed?
Is the heater switched off?
Where are the boobies?
Am I breathing?

Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {10:04 am}

The Ugly Stick

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I honestly thought that I would never blog again. I figured this is it. There is nothing interesting left in my life to blog about. And I thought that I’d retire this blog once and for all. Maybe after this post, I’d never blog again. Maybe not. But nonetheless, I will update this blog at least one more time.

Just moments ago, a powerpoint slide I’ve been working on just got reverted back to me. And it is now…. HIDEOUS. Absolutely hideous. It’s like someone took an ugly stick and beat my slides to death with it. Do you know what an ugly stick is? Perhaps you’ve never heard of the legend of the Ugly Stick. Let me tell you of the tale.

It is said that all of God’s children are beautiful. It matters not which God you pray to, all of you are SUPPOSED to be beautiful. And yet we look around and we cannot escape the undeniable truth. We see ugly people. For no matter which God you pray to, we are all at the mercy of one demon. There is no name for this demon for he cannot be named or rather, his name is unspeakable. As unspeakable as the crimes he inflicts upon us. What crimes you ask? It is all around us! It might be the coffee shop aunty with the rotten teeth or the colleague with the greasy hair and tarmac face. It might even be what you witness in the mirror every morning.

This demon of which I speak wields the deadly weapon, the Ugly Stick.

The Ugly Stick (Epic)
Damage: 0-1
Effect: Upon hit, target becomes 75% more ugly. Effect stacks.

The Ugly Stick deals literally no damage rendering the weapon incapable of killing anyone. For it is a much greater torment for the victim to live a life of hideousness. And so… the demon roams the Nether Planes (an alternate dimension), phasing into our reality and BEATS babies in their mother’s womb with the Ugly Stick FOREVER cursing them to a life where people “feel that perhaps they should just be friends” with you. After the damage is done, the demon escapes back into the Nether Planes before he resurfaces to strike another victim. And that my friends, is the truth behind all ugly people.

Yet somehow today, my colleague must have found this weapon. For looking what that person has done to my slides, I can only surmise that this person has taken this Ugly Stick and opened up a relentless assault upon my slides. Nothing else in the known Universe can produce something so horrible.

It amazes me what people can put into slides and think, “Okay I think this looks good.” What confounds me more is that this person can do what they did to my slides, and feel that yes, this is an improvement. I’m not saying that my slides cannot be improved upon but what was done to my slides can only be described as: beaten half to death with an ugly stick.

Some people are complaining that the lack of screenshots make this post a tad lacking. Here's the reason why there aren't any screenshots.
1) I'm at work
2) Sometimes pictures aren't worth a thousand words. This is one such case. Basically, the slides themselves look fine. Its the ANIMATIONS that are hideous. And so, looking at the screenshots actually give you no hint of the horrors within it. Its like a Supermodel with terrible body odour. You can't tell just by looking at the picture.

Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {3:34 pm}

This is why preferrential parking rates are important

Monday, May 18, 2009

It's been about 6 months since my last post. And it's not like there's not been anything blog worthy going on in my life. There's been plenty. I guess I've just lost the motivation to blog post-exchange. Lately, with all the time on my hands, I've gotten guilty enough to make a short post. But this post, while short, is significant. It symbolizes my overcoming the inertia to blog. So hopefully, I'll start making entries a little more frequently from here on out.

Life, at this point, is good. I've just come to the end of an important phase in my life: Education. And begun on an even more exciting journey: Unemployment. Hopefully I can begin on the next phase soon... working forever until I die. Can't say I'm all too excited.

Today however, I made my first dollar as a graduate. Doing a little part time work at 8 dollars an hour at Jiazi's company. Basically just helping with the BlackBerry trial program at SMU. So bright and early in the morning we made our way down to SMU and 4 hours later we were done and it was time to pack up and go.

This next message is particularly important to any of my friends who are still studying in SMU after this semester. When the Motor Inc sends out the emails for application of preferrential parking rates. DO IT. I never knew until today how ridiculous parking costs in SMU if you aren't a registered vehicle. Jiazi just parked for 4 hours. Guess how much it cost her. Go on, hazard a guess. Write it down on a piece of paper and if you get it right, I'll buy you lunch. I promise. I swear it. In fact I'll give you the range of plus/minus one dollar. Honor system. Don't cheat or lie, and I'll hold up my end of the bargain. Once you've scribbled your guess on a piece of paper, scroll down...

In case you can't see it.
You're damn right her cashcard has insufficient value.

Things on my mind:
Taiwanese boobies

Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {11:07 pm}

Mannheim: The Final Leg

Tuesday, December 16, 2008
As I am writing this post I am literally mere hours away from picking up Jonnie and Zi from the Airport. From there, our End of the Year Super Trip officially begins. ROAR! 3 weeks of pure and absolute epic fun!!

It has been 4 months since I left for exchange and wow, did time fly by. My exams are over and I'm already half packed for Singapore. This will be the final post from my little room here in Ulmenweg, Mannheim and before you know it, I'll back in Singapore again. Not that I don't miss everyone back in Singapore but life on exchange was extremely fun. I think the days concluding my exchange for me has sometimes been quite an emotional rollercoaster. One second I'm thrilled that I'm seeing Jiazi again soon and the next, emo-elmo-ness washes over me as I realise its all over.

Enough rambling. After Amsterdam, exams preparation had to start and that was the most painful part of my exchange. Exchange students only need to pass since the grades aren't transferred and so that means I was trying my very very best to maintain a delicate balance. The balance between studying just enough to pass, yet not too much to waste my time. Ideally, I wanted a score of 51 on every paper. Anyone can study really really hard and do the best they can. But it takes a true genius to aim and hit an exact score on their paper.

And so for the past 3 weeks, the days fell into a tired monotony. We cooked, we ate, we studied, we did grocery shopping and we slept. To break the monotony, we inserted a few activities here and there, like the trip to the Mannheim Christmas Market or Wiehnachsmarkt.

The Christmas market is basically filled with stores selling Christmas trinkets and other odds and ends.

The place was crowded with people in Santa hats and there were even carolers. The whole place just exuded a festive cheer. However, we didn't spend much time there and after just wandering a bit, we tried some Gluehwein (heated wine), called it a night and went back home.

Even though it was just a little time spent away from the books, the trip to the Christmas market was really enjoyable.

Ahhh. But nothing can beat the end of class celebration as we traveled to visit... the COLONEL. Armed with Ketchup and Chilli sauce brought from Singapore, we traveled to KFC to eat fast food, the proper way. With plenty of Sauces. (You have to pay for sauces here).

What I expected to get was KFC chicken, but what I got was so much more. I stepped into KFC and ordered my food, and the cashier didn't ask me if I wanted to upsize my meal or anything. No, she asked, "Would you like some class with that?" I said yes.

KFC is Mannheim is served with pure class. Glass plates, and metal forks and knives. Even the fries and coleslaw are served in glass bowls.

Zinger with cheese? Yes please. With some class on the side? Definitely.

Farewell Colonel. I'll see you in London. (Look at how he watches over us with kind eyes like a Guardian Angel.)

But besides the rare trips, the most excitement we would get on most days were the food we made. (By we, most of the time I mean Jiahui) Besides the usual fare, we had...


Creme Brulee!


Cream of Mushroom! From scratch!

Tom Yum Fried Rice! (Jiahui let me fry the eggs! She always let's me fry the eggs when she makes fried rice! Schooo Sweet. Aren't they the most beautiful perfect eggs ever?)


Rocky Road!

Chicken Curry!

Chicken Wings!

Congee! (My first time)

And after awhile we started to run out of Soy Sauce.. and so we had to become a little bit more inventive in our cooking so as to reduce our consumption of Soy Sauce. Not a single drop of soy sauce in these dishes.

Black Sauce Chicken and Sweet Soy Sauce Eggs!

Breaded Mushrooms!

Sweet Soy Sauce Chicken!


And the most stunning one of all. Jiahui made Currypuffs. Curry-freaking-Puffs. I'll say it slowly. I ate. Homemade. Curry Puffs. In GERMANY. Delicious. Curry Puffs. My life is full of win.

My version of the ABC soup. BAC soup!!!

And last but not least, the dinner I just had, Baked Pasta. Our last meal together.

Thus ends the culinary adventures of the two SMUggers in Ulmenweg. Thanks Jiahui, for eating my countless failed attempts and for teaching me how to cook. Everytime you let me fry the egg I feel myself grow a little more. It is as you said, the easiest dish to cook is also the hardest, and I have mastered the art of frying eggs. I have truly learnt a lot. Iron Chef Fu, I have become.

Things on my mind:
Is this the beginning or the end?
Countdown: 10 hours
Santarina Boobies

Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {5:31 am}

Hamsterdam, Neverland and a Daytrip to Belgium (13th-16th Nov)

Sunday, December 14, 2008
The trip to Amsterdam was the last trip I made before my exam preparations, and believe me, there were a LOT of things to prepare for. I had skipped SOOOO many lessons to go traveling and during the times that I attended class, I was simply daydreaming. Also, Amsterdam was just a weekender which was a welcomed change of pace from the previous three weeks of hectic, school-less traveling in Italy and Eastern Europe. As fun as that was, it was time to slow down and get back to the student's life... AFTER AMSTERDAM!!

The number of SMU people that were going to be in Amsterdam was simply insane. There were like 4 different groups of SMU peeps that weekend totalling some 14-15 of us. However, even though there are 6 billion people in the world, there were only 2 people that I really wanted to see. Ambrose, my European soul mate and Dewei, my Singapore sweetheart.

Just before heading up to Amsterdam though, we went to Frankfurt for my first and only European cinema experience and some nice Asian food for dinner. I'm a huge movie buff, but watching movies here in Europe was not an appealing way to spend time with the lack of availability of English versions and steep 8EU ticket prices. When I get back to Singapore, I am going to buy all the Original DVDs (because piracy is wrong) to watch all the movies I missed. But at least for now, I have watched Wall-E. WAAAAALLLLL-EEEE!!!

The next afternoon, we were in Amsterdam. Ahhhh Amsterdam. Sin City. Sex, drugs with a conspicuous absence of Rock n Roll. The first place we went upon arriving in Amsterdam was the Red Light District. Sadly no photos. In fact we just kept on going back to the Red Light District. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over over the next few days. The first thing you notice about the the RLD in Amsterdam is it doesn't really feel all that sleazy. In fact it feels down right proper compared to Geylang in Singapore. For me, the RLD there feels pretty much just like a specialized business district. Electronics in Sim Lim. Textiles on Arab Street. Sporting goods in Queensway. And sex in Amsterdam. It is legitimate and unabashed. There's no chance of confusion between the pliers of the sex trade and an innocent girl on the streets like in Geylang. The fishtank from which they work are a clear barrier and boundary between their worlds and ours. Marked on the outside by a tube of red flourescent light and lit from within by neon, they ply their trade with a seductive smile, come-hither wink and suggestive gestures with their fingers and bodies. Step inside and the curtains are drawn. Sex is just... in progress all around you.

This piece of art on the ground right in the center of the RLD clearly depicts what is going on all around you.

The oldest church in Amsterdam also conveniently sits right in the center of the RLD. Heehee. Father I have sinned.

Drugs. Its everywhere here as well. Coffee shops sell them and there are definitely more people smoking joints than drinking beverages. Here's us outside the Bulldog, the longest running coffee shop chain.

Nice little stores sell Magic Mushrooms, the key to unlock the door into the world of the wonders. Because of my fantastical imagination, I do not need mushrooms but try one to see what its like to see what I see for 4 hours!

Of course we didn't try any drugs. Because just like piracy, drugs is wrong. Nods. Say No to drugs. You don't need drugs to have fun.

Amsterdam was not just about Sex and Drugs of course. It is a beautiful place with canals running across the entire city...

... and houses on the canals.

The oldest house in Amsterdam...

... as well as the smallest (the red one) at only 1.5m wide.

And let's not forget the food. Amsterdam has the most delicious fries. Samurai sauce. HAH!

And super awesome Asian food. Something that we've been looking forward to for months. Roast duck. Criminally good tofu.

Love will find a way and I was able to run into my soul mate. We didn't even arrange to meet up because we knew that fate would bring us together. We were like, "Eh don't need to arrange la. Confirm will run into each other one." Europe is too small for us.

We rented a car on Saturday to drive down to Belgium. Ask me to tell you the story of how we booked the car. It's hilarious but not blog-safe. And so we got into our spanking new Mitsubishi Lancer and started for Belgium.

First stop: Antwerp. When we arrived in Antwerp, clearly something was afoot. Something was about to happen. Something big. Like a parade or something. It seemed pretty crowded and they were giving out these red beanies to everyone.

After having a little bit of fries, I set out to find out what was going on.

After asking a random beautiful Belgian girl, we found out that...

... Santa Claus was coming! That's when we decided it was a good idea to get the hell out of Antwerp before the traffic traps us inside the city center.

Next stop: Bruges. Bruges is a beautiful town, amazingly so and I wished we'd been to stay around a little longer. With no time to waste, we completed our Belgium trip with some Belgian Waffles...

... and quickly started to explore the town and I totally splurged on Belgian Chocolates here. We didn't get to see much before the sun came down. Not that it mattered because Bruges was beautiful by night as well. In fact it might have been even more so.

The day was pretty much over and we drove back to Amsterdam. Finally mustering enough courage to give it a try, I volunteered to drive part of the way back. That's when I proceeded to show the world how bad I was at driving. Shock as it may come to those who assume that there is nothing I can't do, I suck horribly at multitasking. (!!!) It's true! With the triple threat of driving on a different side of the road, different side of the car as well as not having driven a manual car since passing my TP 4 years ago, I had almost killed 108 Belgians before I crossed the border into Netherlands. All the passengers in the car hung on for their dear lives. Joe the Navigator and Clement the Backside Driver both went to sleep figuring its best not to know how they died while Jiahui tried desperately to avert disaster by making sure I did not fall asleep at the wheel.

We were able to get back to Amsterdam in one piece and I met up with my Singapore sweetheart. After our warm embrace, we had a good long chat over dinner before parting ways.

Amsterdam was an absolutely unforgettable experience that can only be summed up with one picture. (Inside joke)

Things on my mind:
2 days to togetherness
End of exams
Bac Soup
Merry merry Christmas
Santarina Boobies

Sprouting Nonsense Since 1984 {1:54 pm}

The Real Me
Vincent Fu
aka Jishbac

Not Important
*Gerger, *Thomthom, *Nara, *Big Giant Head, *Dewei - Golden Boy of Econs, ,*Beauty-Wu Jiahui ,*Weewee


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